Marriage & Divorce: A Reformed, Biblical Perspective

Marriage & Divorce: A Reformed, Biblical Perspective

Marissa Namirr (Gospel Gal)

For the past couple of days there has been some discussion about marriage, abuse, divorce, and the permanence view of marriage in a Facebook group I admin. So I wanted to compile some information I've posted on social media over the years and on the blog before. This topic is often discussed my circles.

I want to lead in saying that I personally value marriage. I have been married for over 31 years, respect and love my husband, and esteem my vocation of "wife". I agree with the Word of God, the Church Fathers and Reformed Confessions and Theologians on this topic, and want those in my circle to hear what they had to say.

For clarification, I'll define what the permanence view espouses:

Permanence Teachers:

One author exhorts his readers as many pastors and Bible teachers do: "Is there an escape hatch in marriage? Did God create marriage with a door in and a door out? No! “For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce…” (Malachi 2:16). The only door out is death. Divorce tears apart what belongs together. Even if a marriage comes to the point of divorce, the aim is to bring back together what belongs together. God calls us to keep intact that unity which He created in the beginning between husband and wife. Let each of us in our own place and marriage pray for this unity and work at it.

Whilst the society we live in makes divorce so easy, let us never look to divorce as the way out of marital strife. Divorce, a man-made solution, and hence a sinful solution, cannot solve the effects of sin as experienced in marriage. God's solution to the brokenness of this life, in all its facets, marriage included, is the cross of Christ. On the cross Christ demonstrated, to the fullest extent, the forgiveness and self-denial that alone can keep any marriage intact."

But he does not seem to take into account what multiple sources in the Church have taught on this sensitive topic. I want my readers to listen to the Word of God, the Church Fathers, and Reformed Confessions and Thinkers:

The Bible:

Genesis 2:

18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
19 And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
22 And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Hebrews 13: 4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled...

Matthew 5:

28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

I Corinthians 7:

1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.
7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I.
9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
10 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:
11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.
Clearly, the Lord, Himself, is the Author of marriage. Marriage is good, honorable, pure, good and worthy of our high regard.

Now note what was believed about marriage during the Reformation and what has been taught, recited, and vowed regarding marriage throughout the generations and among the nations in the church. This comes from the Book of Common Prayer (Anglican):

Marriage is a solemn commitment and a covenant between one man and one woman for life. The purpose of this union in society is clear: not the least of which are protection, intimacy, and comfort, representing the union of Christ with His church.

With that clarification, consider this... 

Marriage is not merely a business arrangement, nor is it a piece of paper. But it is also *not a hierarchical relationship like commander to soldier or master to slave. The bond of marriage, as said, is an intimate union, mutually beneficial to both spouses, lending to comfort and happiness.

Marriage is a covenant. It is a contract contingent on conditions. It is, therefore, only as permanent as the vows that are kept by each party. Listen, again, to the 1662 Prayer Book with the vows pronounced in the service of matrimony:

These are the vows and conditions of the covenant. Should these be broken, the marriage covenant is broken: ***Again, when the *vows are broken, *the covenant is broken. It is not a decree of divorce that breaks the marriage. It is the breaking of the vows that does that. So, when considering permanence, the marriage is as permanent as the vows that are kept. This is not to say that people have to divorce if the vows have been broken. It is to say that it is legal/lawful to formally write a bill of divorcement if the vows are broken. What Jesus said, what the Apostle taught, as noted above stand as absolute truth today. But it seems the question remains, what is it to break the covenant? I would suggest that the breaking is whatever fails to honor the marriage relationship: Explicit violations of the covenant: breaking the vows.

The Church Fathers:

Chrysostom (349-407AD):


The Reformers:

And the Reformers taught that the covenant of marriage is broken in certain situations, namely adultery, abandonment, and abuse.
Thomas Cranmer: 1489-1556: (Architect of the Book of Common Prayer):

:


William Ames (English Non-Conformist pastor/author): 1576-1633:

And the Westminster Confession of Faith ((1646): XXIV: V) is explicit in what the breaking of marriage vows is and how the offended party may proceed in relation to the offender:

Finally, listen to a contemporary Reformed pastor on this issue.

'If your spouse relates to you in your marriage in such a way that makes him/her your slave, that's cause for divorce. ~W. Bosch. You can hear the full message here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=CG0d3qYsRag&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR36UjK2voEjhmpc7KRFGx6DN6j0V1blgzR1n7ybxs3myE9OTgSfq2Px740#bottom-sheet&ab_channel=JubileeChurchOttawa

In closing, I want to clarify that marriage is too significant a union and too important a covenant to undermine it by robbing it of its honorability. We dishonor marriage when we promote the idea that anything goes, and that we need to tolerate anything and all that a spouse may do to offend and violate covenant responsibilities. When we witness then remain complacent about active and verifiable hatred for a husband or wife by a spouse we do violence to what we know marriage is. We do no favors to a couple when we fail to uphold what God says about what marriage is and what its functions are. We do harm to what we say about the Bible before our children, churches, and society in what we tolerate within the context of marriage. Marriage is honorable and pure when the beauty of this union is upheld, protected, and practiced.

If you're in a marriage where vows have been violated, you are, as the Apostle instructs, free. 

If you've broken your marriage vows, you may never regain the trust of your spouse, family, church, or social circle. You should not expect reconciliation but seek peace. But above all, remember that there is a generous Savior, and there is no sin that is unforgivable in Him. Turn away from your sin. Confess it to Him and those you've offended. He is faithful and just to forgive your sins and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness. Be reconciled to God, in Christ. 

To all those hurting from broken marriages, please seek out sound pastoral care, professional counseling and safe community in the church. May the Lord heal your woundedness. 

***Disclaimer: I do not necessarily endorse those I quoted in this article.