Thoughts&Resources on Forgiveness&Reconciliation
And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses. ~Mark 11
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.~Ephesians 4
Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.~Luke 17
Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.~Matthew 18
Forgiveness... Often we refuse to forgive others because we mistakenly think that to do so is to minimize their sin. “And that’s not fair! He really hurt me. If I forgive, who’s going to care for me and take up my cause and nurse my wounds?” God is. We must never buy into the lie that to forgive means that sin is being whitewashed or ignored or that the perpetrator is not being held accountable for his/her actions. It simply means we consciously choose to let God be the one who determines the appropriate course of action in dealing justly with the offending person… To long for justice is entirely legitimate, but to seek it for yourself is not. Let God deal with the offender in his own way at the appropriate time. He’s much better at it than your or I. Forgiveness] is [often] deciding to live with the painful consequences of another person’s sin. You are going to have to live with it anyway, so you might as well do it without the bitterness and rancor and hatred that threaten to destroy your soul. True forgiveness pursues relationship and restoration. True forgiveness is not satisfied with simply canceling the debt. It longs to love again. ~Sam Storms
Differing from forgiveness, reconciliation is often a process that is conditioned on the attitude and actions of the offender. While its aim is restoration of a broken relationship, those who commit significant and repeated offenses must be willing to recognize that reconciliation is a process. If they’re genuinely repentant, they will recognize this.
In many cases, even if an offender confessed his wrong to the one he hurt, and appealed for forgiveness, the offended person could justifiably say, “I forgive you, but it might take some time for me to regain trust and restore our relationship.” The evidence of genuine forgiveness is personal freedom from a vindictive or vengeful response (see: Romans 12:17-21), but not always an automatic restoration of relationship.
It is hard to genuinely restore a broken relationship when the offender is unclear about his confession and repentance. You must be as certain as you can of your offender’s repentance—especially in cases involving repeated offenses. Even God will not grant forgiveness to one who is insincere about his confession and repentance. The person who is unwilling to forsake his sin will not find forgiveness with God (Proverbs 28:13).
Of course, only God can read hearts –– we must evaluate actions. Jesus said, “By their fruit you will recognize them” (Matthew 7:16a). We must not allow superficial appearances of repentance to control our responses. Displays of tears or appearing to be sorry must not become substitutes for clear changes in attitude and behavior.
Seven signs of genuine repentance:
The offender:
1. Accepts full responsibility for his or her actions. (Instead of: “Since you think I’ve done something wrong…” or “If have done anything to offend you…”).
2. Welcomes accountability from others.
3. Does not continue in the hurtful behavior or anything associated with it.
4. Does not have a defensive attitude about his or her being in the wrong.
5. Does not have a light attitude toward his or her hurtful behavior.
6. Does not resent doubts about his or her sincerity – nor the need to demonstrate sincerity — especially in cases involving repeated offenses.
7. Makes restitution where necessary.
“If we can restore to full and intimate fellowship with ourselves a sinning and unrepentant brother, we reveal not the depth of our love, but its shallowness, for we are doing what is not for his highest good. Forgiveness which by-passes the need for repentance issues not from love but from sentimentality (John R. W. Stott, Confess Your Sins, p.35).
(Amos 3:3 --God and man cannot walk together, except they are agreed. Unless we seek his glory, we
cannot walk with him.-~Matthew Henry)Additional Resources:
1. Do We have to Forgive Someone If They Don't Repent?: Timothy Massaro:Core Christianity
2. How to Move from Forgiveness to Reconciliation: The Gospel Coalition
3. What Came First: Repentance or Forgiveness?: Mortification of Spin
http://www.alliancenet.org/mos/podcast/42915
4. Pray This Way: John Fonville: Paramount Church https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZnPBP5z_SE
5. Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Theocast4. Pray This Way: John Fonville: Paramount Church https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DZnPBP5z_SE
http://theocast.org/forgiveness-reconciliation/
6. Pursuing and Granting Forgiveness: Tim Lane
http://www.gigr.org/uploads/Forgive.pdf
7. Reconcile before worship?: Pastor Sam Powell
https://myonlycomfort.com/2020/01/10/reconcile-before-worship/
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